Month: November 2011

5 Embarrassing (And Gross) Things I Do Now That I’m A Parent

The other day I was sharing my water bottle with my one-year-old, and when she handed it back to me the water was cloudy with food and spit and god knows what…but I drank it anyway. The fact that I was willing to overlook her backwash and cooties got me to thinking: What else am I willing to do as a parent that I never thought I would do?

1. Eat food she has spat out of her mouth. Sometimes it’s just easier than finding a trash can, or trying to stuff the food back in her mouth for the tenth time. It’s a lot like drinking her backwash … only chewier.
2. Sing and dance and embarrass the hell out of myself in public, (previously the most mortifying thought ever!) just to get a smile. As a child watching my own parents humiliate themselves (and me) in public, I swore I would never do this. I was wrong.
3. Become a human teething ring. I’ve never had a high threshold for pain, but once those teeth came it was impossible to avoid my daughter’s lightning quick jaws! And I’ve got endless bruises to prove it.
4. And a human furnace. In the cold winter months, I often put my daughter’s c-c-cold hands under my shirt to warm them up–I don’t even let my husband do that!
5. Give my phone number to total strangers, simply because they have a kid the same age as my daughter. For all I know I’m handing my digits to serial killers and stalkers, but if their one-year-old likes my one-year-old, it’s a date!

The list goes on. But what’s worse is how oblivious I usually am. When you’re a parent you just do these things. It’s not until a friend, sibling or spouse starts making fun of you that you finally realize–”Oh my god, I really did just pick my daughter’s nose and wipe it on my jeans.” Gross! But to be honest, I look forward to many more years of gross-outs and embarrassing behavior. Moms are like that.

**As seen in New York Family**

Today I went through my inbox and unsubscribed to all the alerts that had been building up–concerts, readings, gallery openings. I don’t want to alarm any of you preggos out there, but the reality is your social life is about to dissolve. Bye-bye date night, hello diapers.

It may not be as grave as all that, but my husband and I used to get up on a Saturday morning (late morning, mind you), and wander the city aimlessly. Maybe stop for a drink, a movie, or a museum. Now we get up at 6:30am on Saturdays and spend the day wiping boogers and floating from playground to playground, envying the twenty-somethings enjoying a nice mimosa brunch. Going out to eat–even during the day–has become tricky, as Trixie likes to scream randomly when the mood strikes. She is an adorable, blue-eyed n’ pudgy ticking time bomb.

When I was pregnant, a friend said to me, “You’re going to change SO much.” She is younger, and probably didn’t realize that this was the most horrible thing she could have uttered. One of my biggest fears was exactly that–that I would “change” and no longer have my own personality and interests. It’s true that the last book I read was Click Clack Moo, and the new Jonathan Franzen novel is collecting dust on my bookshelf, and that I am at least three crises behind in some of my friends lives. But, I have managed to stay me–with a little work. Instead of scouring the Bowery Ballroom website for awesome shows to see, I check out Stereogum.com to see what new albums to download. I even manage to play them pretty loud after Trixie goes to bed. We rarely go to the movies anymore, but there’s always Netflix, and I still haven’t seen all the episodes of The Wire.

It’s a juggling act. So maybe I didn’t see the McQueen exhibit at the Met, and I probably won’t make it to Sleep No More, but I dress the same, my sense of humor is the same (still awesome), and I’ve got a cute baby girl who walks and giggles and says “mama.” All in all, I’d have to say it’s been a pretty fair trade.

As seen on the New York Family blog.