What I’ve learned so far


Yeah. Apparently Mr. Atkins totally screwed us over with the whole “no carbs” thing. I know it’s pretty much over anyway, but I was totally on the anti-carb wagon for a while. Can you believe they even went so far as to make low-carb wine? Now that’s un poco extreme. And it tasted gross too. Some things just should not have “diet” versions.

Anyway, the spa is freaking awesome. There are tons of old women prancing around in their little sweat suits, taking yoga and stretching classes. They’re so adorable. I hope I look all happy and sporty like that when I’m 80. I want to get old and have tons of juicy track suits in every color and wear sweatbands across my head like Pat Benetar. Maybe I’ll even start wearing bright lipstick, in shades like “coral reef” and “melon” just to jazz things up. Oh, and I’m totally going to dye my hair purple when it turns white. That’s what all old ladies do, right?

Also, I had a hot stone massage. It was really nice and everything, but I’m laying there, trying to relax, and all I can think about is my To Do list: What am I going to post about tonight? When will I make time to write another chapter of my new book? If I bought one of the T-shirts from the Spa giftshop that say “Trust the Process” or “Cherish the Journey” would I be able to pass it off as “ironic” or would I just look “retarded”–these are the thoughts that were going through my head when the nice woman was rubbing me down with hot stones and oil. It made me feel like such a New Yorker—stress stress stress, always on the go, must do ten things at once… I know, I know: “poor me.” I’m at a spa and I can’t relax. It’s a tough life.

About alexgirl

I'm a YA novelist livin' in fabulous Brooklyn with my husband and our two kitties. I love film making, photography, music, chocolate, sushi, friends, cardio, TV, and a bunch of other crap I can't think of. One published novel, Back Talk, available at Amazon. (and another one in progress!)
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11 Responses to What I’ve learned so far

  1. emma says:

    oh, i hate massages. i’m weird like that- i also LOATHE pedicures and manicures. and facials, although that’s because they hurt like a pair of kevin federline’s mandals.
    no, i don’t know what i mean either.
    i’m planning to be a lovely happy sporty old woman as well, one who bounces around with armloads of grandkids and has lots of “WORLD’S BEST GRAM” mugs, but in actuality i’ll probably be a wrinkly hag and live in some shitty apartment with my similarly wrinkled friends, and we can go out to pancake breakfasts and sniff disparagingly at all the hootchies in their new-fangled getup.
    and then we can all go and yell at the neighborhood kids for lighting turds on fire and throwing them on our doorstep.
    yeah, my friends and i have kind of talked about this ad nauseum. we have our whole old age planned out, down to the last velour sweatsuit.

  2. Andy says:

    Did somebody say “Fad Diet?” Cos I’m in!!! Low this, high that. Whatever man, just make it simple, OK? I don’t have time to give up ice cream! Duh!

  3. your spa sounds amazing….

    why can’t there be a diet where you eat sweet cakes and take long naps and the pounds just melt away.

  4. alex says:

    ahhh old people…….. i would hate to be one of those grandmas that their grandkids are scared (“aunt bunny has a mustache!!!!” – eddie murphie… google it) of…. but i think i will be anyways. lol?

    lucky duck. got to go the spa. grr…

  5. touche says:

    hahaha, YEAH OLD LADIES!!!
    this post helped me “cherish my journey”
    thank you for the enlightenment.
    Ahh, your book needs to come out right now!!!!

  6. WAT says:

    Hopefully by the time u reach 80, it’ll be the new 70! LOL!

    Writing a book huh? Hmmm, I’ve often considered that. Sounds like great creative work.

  7. sophie says:

    didn’t the atkins guy die from his own diet? i think so, but am not sure…
    a hot stone massage? first a surprise bridal shower and now a day at the spa? super jealous.

  8. alex says:

    hmmmm new boyfriend since i am now in passionate love with mr. labeouf…….. well justin timberlake is definitly a possibility…. or maybe adam brody (i always thought he was “handsome”…. lol)…… or maybe even ashton kutcher….
    you could get anyone cause you know your hot stuff….. oh yeah….. you know because your about to get married so everyone should date you now while they still have a chance….. yeah it didnt make sense to me either…..-cough-…….. eh

  9. ashley says:

    lol i’m just an intern so unfortunately i can’t hire you…the company i’m at loans out elie saab, ungaro, mcqueen, etc to celebs though, it’s so much fun to work there even if i have little power and no pay 🙂
    and i agree. protein is well and good but i don’t think i could live without my carbs…

  10. f.m. says:

    Carbs are amazing. I feel sorry for anyone who does not understand the depth of a doughnut. When I die, I know that my life will have been spent in many a meaningful feast of food. Amen.

  11. Crazy Eddie says:

    I love the old folk. I used to take care of seniors when I first got into the field I’m currently in and it was a ride from day one. You have the cranky old fucks, and you have the happy go lucky ones. I prefer the nasty ones as they kept me awake and on my toes from morning till noon (when they took their nap).

    I personally enjoy Crispy Kremes. You’re a New Yorker girl… you should understand…


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