Gold Pills. That’s right: Gold. Pills. I am so completely fascinated by these. Apparently these 24k gold pills turn your “inner most parts into chambers of wealth.” How awesome does that sound? Yeah. Do they work?—I have no freaking clue, but I’m completely captivated by them. They’re so sparkly and shiny!! Oooh/aaaaahh… Actually, you should check out the whole Citizen:citizen website because it’s kind of amazing. There’s all kinds of funky shit.
Oh, and in case you’re chomping at the bit to go and buy yourself some gold pills, they’re only $275 for three!! Uh, bargain! (said sarcastically, if you couldn’t tell.)

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Emma’s blog. I know everyone who reads mine probably already reads hers, but she’s got the best blog!! She’s opinionated and funny and you’re bound to feel eerily in sync with at least ONE of her amazingly humorous and spot-on tirades. It definitely makes my top five today.

Apartment Therapy: changing the world one apartment at a time. It’s just this totally amazing website that can help you solve space issues and give you awesome ideas for redecorating your apartment, big or small—or extra small as the case may be for many of us New Yorkers. I’m not really into the whole Feng Shui thing (basically because I’m too a.d.d. and impatient for it) but this site is totally worth checking out. (This pic is of a mirror PC dresser. How cool is that?)

Haircuts. I mean, how AMAZING do you feel after a good haircut? I’m in desperate need of one, and it’s starting to put me in “a mood.” Is it possible that split ends can give you a split personality? I am a total victim of hair rage. Especially when it’s windy. I’m in a good mood, and then suddenly the wind starts whipping my hair around and I go apeshit! Ugh! My hair feels like straw right now, so yeah, a haircut. I know it’s boring, but that is totally in my top 5 (for today, anyway).

Shia. Just cuz he’s H-O-T-T-T. (Okay, that’s the 2nd time I’ve brought him up in a week–do I have an obsession?)

carbs=good
carbs+protein=better

Yeah. Apparently Mr. Atkins totally screwed us over with the whole “no carbs” thing. I know it’s pretty much over anyway, but I was totally on the anti-carb wagon for a while. Can you believe they even went so far as to make low-carb wine? Now that’s un poco extreme. And it tasted gross too. Some things just should not have “diet” versions.

Anyway, the spa is freaking awesome. There are tons of old women prancing around in their little sweat suits, taking yoga and stretching classes. They’re so adorable. I hope I look all happy and sporty like that when I’m 80. I want to get old and have tons of juicy track suits in every color and wear sweatbands across my head like Pat Benetar. Maybe I’ll even start wearing bright lipstick, in shades like “coral reef” and “melon” just to jazz things up. Oh, and I’m totally going to dye my hair purple when it turns white. That’s what all old ladies do, right?

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Also, I had a hot stone massage. It was really nice and everything, but I’m laying there, trying to relax, and all I can think about is my To Do list: What am I going to post about tonight? When will I make time to write another chapter of my new book? If I bought one of the T-shirts from the Spa giftshop that say “Trust the Process” or “Cherish the Journey” would I be able to pass it off as “ironic” or would I just look “retarded”–these are the thoughts that were going through my head when the nice woman was rubbing me down with hot stones and oil. It made me feel like such a New Yorker—stress stress stress, always on the go, must do ten things at once… I know, I know: “poor me.” I’m at a spa and I can’t relax. It’s a tough life.

OMG!
So my friend Amy came over on Saturday and we were planning on going shopping. She told me there was a Nordstrom’s in NYC (I totally didn’t believe her, but she said it just opened, so I was like “OK, if you say so”). But first, she said, “Let’s stop by your sister’s apartment so I can say hi and drop something off.”
I thought, Sure. Why not?

So we get to my sister’s…. and there is a roomful of my closest friends!!!! That’s right folks, my fabulous sister, and my amazing mother threw me a SURPRISE BRIDAL SHOWER!!! It freakin’ rocked. I was so not expecting it, and don’t laugh–but I teared up (tears of joy).
Okay, I know I sound SO ultra girlie right now that you probably all want to puke and stop reading this post, but I just want to brag about it for a sec. because it was sweet and wonderful of them to do this for me.
Surprises kick ASS.

Anyway, it was a total blast and I got all kinds of saucy/sexy/fun/adorable things. I won’t go into detail because, ahem, it’s personal, but it was so much fun! It was like when you’re little and you have your friends over for a tea party. We all sat around eating tea sandwiches and ensalata caprese, and cute little tarts from Silver Moon Bakery (no Levian cookies, *sigh* –jk!).

I highly recommend having a bridal shower. Because you get all kinds of shit you would never buy for yourself, and it’s not even your birthday. Just think–I MORE presents on my birthday in 2 months. God, my life is good.

I am very grateful. And not to make you all TOO jealous, but I’m going out of town for a few days for a mother/daughter spa trip. Are you seething yet?

By the time I get back I’m gonna glow so much you’ll need shades just to look at me! (did that make sense? You know–glowing from all the facials, spray-tans, and salt glows etc.)

Also, I bought the cutest bikini the other day. I wanted something fun that I can take on my honeymoon. OKay, I know it’s kind of tacky, but you love it? Right? I thought the cherries in the middle were too cute, and the little skirt, too. Hope Future Husband likes it too!

Be back soon…
A

OMG, guess who my new husband is… Shia LaBeouf! Wait, let me rephrase that—I saw Disturbia last night and it was kind of awesome and now I’m hot for Shia LaBeouf. Yeah, that makes more sense.

He’s so cute! I think I’m gonna start calling him ‘boofy. Or Shi-shi. I had no idea we were in love until about 20 minutes into the movie when suddenly I saw how deep and tortured he was. Or, wait, maybe that was just his character. Does it even matter? He was HOTTT!

I thought I was going to hate Disturbia–even the word “disturbia” is so obnoxious (only because i didn’t think of it).

It’s a modern day Rear Window (which, by the way, is an Alfred Hitchcock masterpiece). The original RW is about a guy who’s housebound because he broke his leg. Lucky for him he’s got a pair of binoculars, murderous neighbors, and a seriously hot girlfriend (Grace Kelly).

Disturbia is basically the same, except instead of a broken leg, he’s under house arrest—which is kind of better, because he can kick ass and not just whine and fall over in his wheelchair. Oh, and the obvious addition of technology. Hitchcock didn’t have camera phone or a digital video camera.

My man ‘boofy is very charming as the lead, Kale (I love that name, btw). The dialog is cheesy, but there are clever lines, too. Also, his sidekick BFF is totally adorable. (Okay, so he’s a stereotypical “Asian stoner-dude,” but he’s cute and good for comic relief.) And of course there’s a “hot chick” but I think she looks like a 16 year old Heather Mills, which is a little on the creepy side. She’s not a good actress, but the role requires swimming in a bikini and teasing Kale, so how good does she need to be, honestly?

All-in-all, Disturbia was an enjoyable, predictable flick. I have always been a sucker for voyeuristic themes. There’s something so cool/spooky about spying, right? Or do I sound like a stalker now. LOL!! There were no “twists” which I found kind of refreshing (coughcoughM.NightShyamalancough). And there was a lot of ridiculously eye-roll-worthy techie moments (“Wait, can we zoom in on that?” and suddenly they can see inside someone’s mouth from 100 yards away.) That said, it was still fun, and I thought it was scary. Well, not “scary” scary, but “thriller” scary.

Annnywayyyy…. Disturbia rocked—purely for mindless entertainment. And it was a good excuse to look at hot boys and eat popcorn.

I just learned that word and I love it.
Andy and I babysat for this little cutie the other day.

Who do you think she likes better? I’ve never been a good babysitter. I read all the Babysitter’s Club books when I was in junior high and they were awesome. Especially Claudia and Stacy. But in real life… Once I tried to teach a summer acting class for the kids in my neighborhood, but they wouldn’t listen to a word I said, so I burst out crying. They all stared at me with these wide eyes and gaping mouthes—I probably scared the shit out of those cute little 5 year olds!

Baby’s are so in right now. Who needs a mini chihuahua when you could have your own BOJ (bundle of joy). Okay, of our latest baby making contestants, who do we think is going to have the cutest baby?

Okay, I’m not going to lie, it’s a little creepy that Keisha Castle-Hughes, the 16 year old girl from Whale Rider, is pregnant, but maybe they do things differently over in New Zealand. She’s pretty in an exotic way though. The baby will probably be cute.

Baby Spice is pregnant! She’s so blonde and adorable, surely she’ll have an equally smiley/happy BOJ.

Another baby for my favorite Pretty Woman, I mean Julia Roberts. Oh, and her husband, too! Her twins are super cute, in a very low key/hippie way, so this little boy will probably be adorable too, right?

Pregnant Betty–aka Salma Hayek–is going to have one muy caliente muchacho! Creo que si, es verdad! Ay ay ay!!

Okay. It’s true… I don’t think Noel Gallagher is the most attractive man on the planet. But his girlfriend is sexy so the kid will probably be fine… EXCEPT: Noel wants to name the baby Chutney or Gizmo. Uh… good luck with “all that.”

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Um, Duh. Of course Naomi Watts is going to have a cute baby.

But all babies are cute, right? I mean, check this out!! (Okay, at first glance it looks like I’m dead. But I’m not. We’re napping together. Awww.)

So, the other day I was at the gym, sweating away to the new mp3 mix I made (which is awesome by the way. I luv a good gym mix). Anyway, I was nearing th end of my elliptical blast when I up and saw someone familiar. It was Brooke Smith—okay, so I had to google her when I got home and figure out what her name was, because I didn’t know. Right now she’s this snarky M.E. on Crossing Jordan, but she has had a pretty awesome career. Any Grey’s fans will remember her as Dr. Erica Hahn who performed heart surgery on George’s dad.

I think she’s a fantastic actress, and she got her “big break” in Silence of the Lambs in ’91. Who can forget that role? (It brings new meaning to the quote: “I want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday.” eeeew!) She was naked at the bottom of a well for most of the movie, but she was very good! Her performance–and the whole movie–gave me chills. Sooo creepy.

Apparently she’s the daughter of Lois Smith (publicist to the stars). That can’t be easy if you’re trying to “make it on your own.” She’s had a pretty good career though, and I totally love her voice. It’s very straightforward and deadpan. I wish my voice sounded like that. I always want it to, but I think my voice is too high pitched. I think her no-nonsense demeanor is what gets her the roles.

Series 7, for instance. Now that was a weird movie. I kind of recommend it, but it was a very ominous satire. It’s a spoof reality show (a la Survivor) in which the contestants are given guns to go on this scavenger hunt and kill each other. Weird, right? But Brooke Smith plays the previous season’s winner, out to reclaim her title–only this time she’s 9 months pregnant and waddling around with a riffle. It’s kind of amazing.

Anyway, I was mesmerized when I saw her at my little podunk gym. I like it when people “keep it real” instead of finding some fancy schmancy Equinox or something. I even stayed on the ellipticycle for an extra 10 minutes cuz I’m such a dork!

But it’s true. I’m a star f*ck’r. I’ve even got a couple more celeb-encounters… wanna hear some of them? Okay!

Selma Blair & Claire Danes. This is by far my greatest celebrity story. I used to be the assistant to a fashion photographer, and one day we did a shoot with Selma Blair. First of all, she was so funny and sweet. We did the shoot in a fancy hotel in midtown, and she decided to use the disposable camera from the mini-fridge. We took tons of pics, and then, guess who stopped by for lunch? Claire Danes! Yeah, that’s right, I had lunch with Selma and Clare. We were just chillin’ & talking. Selma took a picture of Claire and me which I thought was the coolest thing ever.

Weeks later, when the shoot was over, I got a letter from Selma Blair saying thanks for the fun day, and she included the pictures of us! (I can’t find them now, or I TOTALLY would have put them up on this post. But you believe me, right? Why would I make that up.)

Molly Ringwald. Okay, so this one time, when I was like, 10 or something, I was in the Laura Ashley store (such a horrible place, don’t ask me why I used to shop there). I was in the dressing room trying on this blue and white balloon-like jumpsuit, and the salesgirl came in and was like “sorry to barge in, but Molly Ringwald is out there, and I need to grab something out of the back for her.” So I walked into the main part of the store and there she was: Claire from Breakfast Club, Andy from Pretty in Pink, Sam from 16 Candles! I was too excited. She smiled at me and said “You look adorable in that.”
It was pretty awesome.

Let’s get creative here peeps. Add onto my list so I don’t feel like I’m the ONLY frigging person bad things happen to.

You know it’s a bad day when you wake up in the morning and hear water coming from the bathroom, only, you’re alone so why is there water running? Oh, because there’s a Niagara fucking Falls size leak gushing right over the toilet! Not only do I have to get the Super’s tired ass up here with his plumbers crack and permanent cigarette stankiness, but I can’t even pee first! Ugh.

You know it’s a bad day when the TiVo mysteriously stops recording ANTM after the first 20 minutes! I only got to see as far as their families showing up and then Ping! “Would you like to Delete?” Uh, NO!

Okay. Your turn.
(and if you can’t think of anything legit, just make it up. I need to be commiserated with.)

For Christmas my mom got me this Catherine Manaldrino dress that made me look like an Amish prostitute, so I returned it. Now I have a store credit at Active Endeavors and I’m thinking about getting one of these dresses, but I can’t decide. Everything’s so freaking expensive these days!

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Also, I’m getting married in June (only 2 months away–holy shit!) and I’m trying to pick out uh-mazing, gasp-worthy wedding shoes to go with my awesomely fabulous unique stunning fun flirty dress. The dress is kind of short (midcalf) so I’ll definitely be able to rock some killer heels for all to see. I have been searching like crazy and love all of these, but I know you fashionable biatches out there must have ideas too. So please share your thoughts and inspire me!!!
ps- how much do I love that Cesare Paciotti photo? It’s so ANTM.

(Miu Miu’s in white, not black)

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This will be a fairly boring post, but I wanted to show off my easter eggs, cuz, well they rock. Don’t worry, I’m not an “Easter” person, but a couple friends & I painted some eggs and used easter as an excuse to eat a thousand low-fat Oreos and watch cheesy movies—and by the way, Bring it On: All Or Nothing is so dumb. I was cringing with embarrassment for those poor, silly actors. But we had a frickin’ blast. I love any excuse to lounge around with my friends and eat and watch tv!!
Hope everyone else had fun.

(the first one’s always the worst.)

(looks like bubble gum, right?)

(this one’s my favorite. It reminds me of fireworks.)

(my sister’s masterpiece. how cute is that!)

Easter Kicks Ass! (I know I look stupid. Probably sugar coma from the Oreos.)

Oh, PS-Andy and I saw Sondre Lerche over the weekend at Webster Hall. It was so good! I’m not really sure how famous he is, but he’s this really (really) hot Norwegian indie singer with a great band and a fun, poppy-but-not-annoying sound. Definitely worth checking out (Two Way Monologue is his best album).

So, I’ve been tagged with a meme and I feel like a f*ck’n retard because I barely know what that is. I guess a meme is like blog chain-mail, right? Anyway, Dona at the YA book blog Books Boys Buzz tagged me, and since I’m a blogaholic I’m gonna rock the hizzouse with my list of top ten fave movies. (And I’m not trying to rip off Emma’s post , just adding to the glory!)
Top Ten Favorite Movies is an easy-slash-impossible task for me because I’m a movie slut—I have waaay more than ten favorites. I mean, how many movies are there in the world? Yeah, a freakin’ lot. But I love Kicking and Screaming by Noah Baumbach. I probably shouldn’t admit how many times I’ve seen it. For me, this movie has the BEST dialogue ever. Practically every word out of Otis’s mouth is pure neurotic genius: “It looks like a chicken wing or a cheese fry.” (not an amazing line in and of itself, but if you watch the whole scene, you’ll be peeing yourself with laughter). The characters are all so profoundly and simplistically deep and pathetic, and they have the greatest quirks and idiosyncrasies ever. It’s like Chicken Soup for the Neurotic, What-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life Soul. Soooo amazing!

Donnie Darko is usually too intense for me to watch but I love it anyway. The last time I saw it I bawled for an hour at its achingly obtuse profundity. Maybe I was PMSing. Again, it has great dialogue. Jake Gylenhaal has the greatest speech ever about The Smurfs that cracks me up EVERY time. Brilliant. And it has an awesome 80′s soundtrack. Patrick Swayze plays this hilarious motivational speaker/pedophile, and Jake Gylanhaal is in it, so… ’nuff said.

Office Space is just really funny. I love the scene when they get all G’d-up and destroy a hard drive to some Ice Cube song. And the Michael Bolton thing is hilarious. It’s indie without being obnoxious and everyone who’s ever had a job can relate to it.
Heathers can do no wrong. At different times in my life I’ve wanted to be Heathers 1, 2, & 3, and Veronica. Usually Veronica. I used to love Winona (pre psycho-clepto phase). Nude croquet, brain tumors for breakfast, cow tipping, corn nuts, drano—frickin’ DRANO! I’m not even going to bother picking a quote because I’d just start reciting the whole damn movie.

Roman Holiday, because Audrey Hepburn was just one of the most brilliant amazing pioneering fashionable elegant women in the entire universe. And it was a beautifully sad love story. And Gregory Peck was hot. And they get to ride a Vespa. Yeah.

Breakfast Club. Another movie I could practically recite from start to finish. Why can’t they make movies like this anymore?

Okay, don’t laugh, but Satisfaction used to be my favorite movie ever. One summer I think I watched it thirty times, and every time I would choose a different character and act it out in my living room (yes, I had a lot of free time). Anyway, it’s totally 80′s but it’s this awesome movie about a bunch of girls that have a band and go to the beach for a summer gig–does it get any better than that? It stars Justine Bateman (Malory from Family Ties) and Julia Roberts in one of her first movies, and a couple other random people. Don’t ask me why, but it also goes by the name “Girls of Summer” which makes it sound much trashier, but whatevs.

Bottle Rocket. The first feature by my future husband, Wes Anderson (ooops, don’t tell my actual future husband!!). It’ not as well-oiled as some of the later movies, but it’s uh-mazing nonetheless. It has an adorable cross-cultural love story, and GREAT lines. I think I’m mostly enamored with it because it was the first time I’d seen this type of genius. Wes Anderson has been perfecting it with Rushmore, Tenenbaums etc, but it was so raw and adorable in Bottle Rocket. (And Luke & Owen’s brother has the biggest role he’s had in any of Wes’s movies. Future Man rocks!!)

The Princess & The Warrior. It’s by the guy who made Run Lola Run. I think he’s brilliant. This love story makes me want to get hit by a car and need an emergency tracheotomy under a mac truck. Sigh.

When Harry Met Sally is the quintessential “New York” movie. I can’t help watching it every time it’s on TNT (which is a lot).

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Honorable Mention: RAD/Gleaming the Cube/Thrashin’. Am I the ONLY one who likes awesome 80′s sporty/daredevil movies? RAD is about a BMX biker. Keep an eye out for the bicycling prom scene—uh-mazing. Thrashin’ is definitely the lamest of the three, but I have to think of them in threes. It’s Romeo & Juliet on skateboards. Cringeworthy outfits, dialogue, and plot, but it will make you laugh, and there’s an awesome cameo by the Red Hot Chili Peppers before they were famous.Gleaming the Cube is probably better known than the other two. It’s one of Christian Slater’s early movies. (The one where he had blonde hair and looked so hot!) He’s a skateboarding delinquent trying to find out who killed his adopted Chinese brother. Quite the caper, lemme tell you.

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Okay, so it’s nearly impossible to pick just ten favorite movies. It totally depends on what mood your in. Classics? Cuz Gone with the Wind is really good. As is Casablanca, Philadelphia Story, Chinatown… Musicals: Singin’ in the Rain, West Side Story… Scary movies: Silence of the Lambs, Dead Again, Don’t Look Now, The Shining… Comedy: Little Miss Sunshine, Big Lebowski, Harold & Maude… And I LOVE film noir movies: Laura, Double Indemnity, Maltese Falcon… All those amazing clothes and the lighting. So sexy.
Okay, I have to stop, I’m going into movie-overdrive!!! Ooh, maybe I should go to the video store. What amazing Top Ten movies did I miss? It’s time to share.

PS-I just saw Blades of Glory, and I think I MIGHT have to add that to my top ten favorite movies because it was so goddamn hilarious. My throat hurt when I left the theater from laughing so hard. As with most Will Farrell comedies there were the “necessary plot device” scenes, but all the characters were so GOOD—especially Amy Poehler and Will Arnett! There were so many good lines, but I’ll leave you with this one:
“I just wanna cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday.”